The Survive and Thrive Boomer Guide

Tips for stressed-out women this Mother’s Day

There’s no doubt about it. Being a mom in these modern times can be stressful.

Women are more likely than the general public to cite as sources of stress family health concerns – 57 percent for women, 53 percent for the general public – and family responsibilities – 62 percent for women, 57 percent for the general public, according to the American Psychological Association survey, “Stress in America: Our Health at Risk.”

In addition, caregivers, both men and women, are more likely to report higher levels of stress than others, 6.5 for caregivers and 5.2 for the general public, in 2011, on a scale of one to 10 where one is low stress and 10 is high stress).

“What I see in my practice is that too often women are so focused on other people’s needs that they neglect the stress in their own lives,” Rosalind Dorlen, Psy.D., chair of the New Jersey Psychological Association Public Education Committee and spokewoman for the American Psychological Association, said in a statement. “With so many competing responsibilities, women often don’t take time for themselves, and their overall wellness can be compromised.”

For Mother’s Day, New Jersey Psychological Association offers these strategies for busy women, mothers, and caregivers:

Take care of yourself – Set aside time to engage in healthy activities that you enjoy or that help you relax. Identify hobbies, increase exercising or eating healthy foods. Making time for yourself will help you better manage stressful situations and allow you to better care for the whole family. Also, find something that makes you laugh – humor is important, and laughter can make life a whole lot easier.

Recognize how you deal with family stress – Some people deal with stress by engaging in unhealthy behaviors, such as smoking, drinking, comfort eating, or yelling and becoming irritable. Remember that stress is inevitable. What makes the biggest difference is how you manage that stress.

Reach out to others – Enlist and accept help from others including friends and family. Identify ways your family can help with specific needs that must be met such as proving a meal or babysitting so you can find time to take a break and rejuvenate. Take time to connect with your women friends when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Strong female friendships can help women overcome stressors.

Keep things in perspective – Remind yourself that each morning offers a new start and take things one step at a time. Realize that there’s no one perfect way to parent. Staying optimistic lowers stress.

Prioritize – You can only do one thing at a time. Delay or say no to the unimportant tasks, and make appointments for more important tasks, such as spending quality time with a spouse or child.

Be organized – Keeping the family and yourself organized reduces stress. Put family health information in separate folders; get family members to keep laundry in color-coded baskets; keep book bags in assigned bins. Harried searching for things adds to mom’s stress. Enlist your children’s help in developing an organization plan for your household – if they’re involved in the planning, they’ll be more likely to follow through.

Ask for professional help – If you feel overwhelmed by stress or the unhealthy behaviors you use to cope, you may want to talk with a psychologist who can help you address the emotions behind your worries, better manage stress, and change unhealthy behaviors.

Copyright 2012, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

Facts and figures on moms for Mother’s Day 2012

By Rita R. Robison

The average person celebrating Mother' Day is expected to spend $153 on gifts, up from $141 last year. Total spending is expected to reach $18.6 billion, the National Retail Federation said in a statement.

Consumers will give mom special meals and/or outings, clothing, electronics, flowers, and more. Two-thirds will buy flowers, spending a total of $2.2 billion, and nearly one-third will treat mom to a new blouse or sweater, spending $1.6 billion on clothing and accessories.

Those buying electronics, 13 percent, will spend a total of $1.6 billion on tablets, digital cameras, and more, and more than half of all celebrants will treat mom to a nice dinner or brunch, spending $3.4 billion. In addition, consumers will spent $1.8 billion on gift cards and $1.3 billion on personal services such as a trip to a day spa.

Mobile and tablet owners will keep an eye out for deals this Mother’s Day as nearly four in 10 smartphone owners and just over half of tablet owners plan to use their devices to research products/compare prices, redeem coupons, look up retailer information, and purchase gift items.

For who American mother’s are, the U.S. Census Bureau offers these statistics:

How many mothers

85.4 million

Estimated number of mothers in the United States in 2009.

4 million

Number of women between the ages of 15 and 50 who gave birth in the past 12 month.

53%

Percentage of 15- to 50-year-old women who were mothers in 2010.

81%

Percentage of women who had become mothers by age 40 to 44 as of 2010. In 1976, 90 percent of women in that age group had given birth.

How many children

2.5

The total fertility rate or number of births in 2009 per woman in Utah (based on current birth rates by age), which led the nation. At the other end of the spectrum is Vermont, with a total fertility rate of 1.6 births per woman.

94%

The percentage of the 37.8 million mothers living with children younger than 18 in 2004, who lived with their biological children only. In addition, 3 percent lived with any stepchildren, 2 percent with any adopted children, and less than 1 percent with any foster children.

20%

Percentage of all women age 15 to 44 who have had two children. About 47 percent had no children, 17 percent had one, 10 percent had three, and about 5 percent had four or more.

Recent births

4.13 million

Number of births registered in the United States in 2009. Of this number, 409,840 were to teens 15 to 19 and 7,934 to women age 45 to 54.

25.1

Average age of women in 2008 when they gave birth for the first time, up from 25 years in 2006 and 2007. The mean age from 2007 to 2008 reflects, in part, the relatively large decline in births to women under age 25 compared with the small decline for women in the 25-39 age bracket.

55%

Percentage of mothers with a birth in 2010 who were in the labor force. This decreased from 57 percent in 2008.

27.3%

The percentage of mothers who had given birth in the past 12 months who had a bachelor's degree or higher. Among states, New Hampshire had the highest percentage of recent mothers in this category with 48 percent. Mothers in Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey, and Maryland also had percentages higher than the national average.

83%

Percentage of women age 15 to 44 with at least a high school diploma who gave birth in the last year. For women age 30 to 44, the figure was 90 percent.

Jacob and Isabella

The most popular baby names for boys and girls, respectively, in 2010.

Baby boomers need to fight internalized agism

In the popular culture and throughout society, the message is loud and clear: Young is good, old is bad.

Although baby boomers experienced women's liberation and gay rights, they have anti-aging messages ingrained into their psyches, says Carol Orsborn, CEO, FierceWithAge, Spirituality for Grownups. These messages are economically, socially, and politically damaging for boomers and all age groups.

Boomers are allowing stereotypes of aging to take over their thinking about who they are as they age, Orsborn says.

She suggests boomers start or join a Fierce with Age Consciousness Group.

Find between two and 10 boomers and set a time to meet regularly. Discuss whatever you want, but when the following five flags come up, catch yourself and catch others.

1. Comments, satire, or jokes, including asides, that revile, infantilize, or marginalize aging and old people.

2. Youth-centric language, as in "young at heart" or "youthful." Replace it with age-neutral words such as "vital" and "passionate."

3. Separating one out from peers, as in: "Can you believe I'm 60 years old?"

4. Definitions of successful aging that are based solely or primarily on your having attributes normally associated with individuals younger than your own age.

5. Romanticizing or sanitizing images of aging.

For details, see Orsborn’s Huffington Post article “Aging With Pride: The Call for Boomer Consciousness.”

Copyright 2012, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

More women in their 60s living with their friends

Some say the ‘60s hippies are going back to the commune. Others call the growing number of female baby boomers rooming together “‘The Golden Girls’ phenomenon.”

It’s really about women choosing to live with friends, Martha Nelson, author of “Black Chokeberry,” novel about three older women who unexpectedly end up sharing a home, said in a statement.

“As a group, we’ve been empowered more than past generations of women,” said Nelson. “We’re more worldly, stronger, financially savvy, and healthier than our ancestors… and we know what we want.”

Increasingly, what women want is to actively age with the camaraderie, laughter, understanding, and support of other women who share their ideas of healthy lifestyles, good food from their own gardens, green living, and other activities.

In 2010, 480,000 boomer women lived with a least one unrelated female, according to an AARP analysis.

And, the number of U.S. HomeShare programs, which help connect people interested in sharing a house, has been steadily rising since the Great Recession.

“This concept is really trending on the East and West coasts and is very big in Europe,” said Ryan Cowmeadow, vice president of the National Shared Housing Resource Center, a clearinghouse of HomeShare programs.

HomeShare’s numbers are up about 15 percent since 2007, and about 75 percent of applicants are female.

The cohousing movement – where residents have private living spaces but share common areas, such as dining rooms, and tasks, such as cooking – started in Denmark and is becoming popular in the United States.

Cohousing can be found in more than 200 communities in America, with the states of California, Colorado, Massachusetts, North Carolina, Oregon, Pennsylvania, and Washington offering the most cohousing opportunities.

Nelson said more women are interested in living with other women because women usually live longer than men, and men are more likely to remarry after a divorce or the death of a spouse.

“And fundamentally, I think it’s as much about the special bonds women share,” she said. “We form these wonderful, supportive, 'tell the truth' friendships, which survive the demands of husbands, children, and careers.”

A former journalist and educator, Nelson’s marriage ended in divorce when she was in her 50s. After regaining her balance as a single woman, she turned to her friends as she stepped back into life.

"I came to fully understand the importance of women friends in my life," she said. "They are the gold standard and as we age, they are critical to happiness, regardless if one is married or in a committed relationship."

The practical considerations of creating close living communities – include health and safety, care in times of an accident or medical emergency, and financial considerations – are important for many women who find themselves single or widowed after long marriages, Nelson said.

But boomers are known for demanding more than creature comforts from life, she said. “We want to be happy; we’re healthy, active and we want to enjoy ourselves as we age. We want to travel, go to a movie with a neighbor or housemate, cook a meal, share a garden, and feel that we are contributing to our communities.

“We’re strong women, and we can choose to live the way we want as we get older,” Nelson said. “Very often, that will mean with other women in close knit communities."

Copyright 2012, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

Two dangerous trends for kids: Battery operated cars for toddlers and the princess phenomena for girls

By Rita R. Robison

About five years ago, kids age 5 and under began driving their small battery operated cars around the loop street I live on. It was scary.

Garbage trucks barrel around this neighborhood. I asked one driver why they go so fast. He told me that if they finish their route before 5 p.m., they get to go home. I asked him to slow down for the sake of the kids. I didn’t see any of the garbage trucks going slower.

I think battery operated cars are dangerous for young kids, and parents and grandparents should avoid buying them for children.

Another troubling trend is the princess phenomena for young girls. With so much emphasis on princess movies, toys, dresses, and crowns, girls think about being and becoming princesses. They are getting unrealistic ideas about what lives as women are like.

“This princess mania, many argue, leaves girls all mixed up,” Jessica Bennett writes in The Daily Beast article “Disney Princesses and the Battle for Your Daughter’s Soul.” “While they excel in school and outpace their male peers in science and math, they also obsess about Prince Charming and who has the prettiest dress, learning –from a mix of mass marketing and media – not that girls are strong, smart, or creative, but that each is a little princess of her own, judged by the beauty of her face (and gown).”

Disney alone has 26,000 Disney princess items on the market today, part of a $4 billion-a-year franchise that is the fastest-growing brand the company has ever created, Bennett said.

I’ve been concerned about these two trends for many years. They came together in a news report on The Huffington Post: “Neveah Reynolds, 4, Saves Sister, Kazmirah, 2, From Drowning in Pond.”

It seems Neveah has been fascinated with the neighborhood pond since her dad told her that kissing the pond frogs might turn them into Prince Charming.

The girls were playing "fairy tales," riding along in a Barbie car and looking for Prince Charming. Neveah turned her back, and, when she looked around, her sister had fallen in the pond.

Fortunately, Neveah grabbed a stick and pulled her sister out of the water.

The Huffington Post article ended with: “Now neither of the girls are allowed to play near the pond and must put their quest for Prince Charming on hold.”

In my opinion, battery operated cars for young kids and letting your daughter get hooked on the princess phenomena can have bad results for your children and grandchildren.

Copyright 2012, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

Oscar-nominated movies less violent, dark this year

By Rita R. Robison

In the last three years that I’ve been writing about the Academy Award nominated movies on this blog, I’ve had to watch a lot of violent and/or dark movies.

I sat through “Slumdog Millionaire,” “The Dark Knight,” “District 9,” “The Hurt Locker,” “Inglourious Basterds,” “A Serious Man,” “Black Swan,” “Winter’s Bone,” “The Town,” “True Grit,” “Animal Kingdom,” “How to Train Your Dragon,” “Toy Story 3,” “Inception,” “Iron Man 2,” “Salt,” and “127 Hours.”

I’ve complained about how Hollywood misses a real opportunity to tell meaningful stories about things that matter to people rather than throwing new violent terrible things on the big screen.

This year’s movies are better. Here are my picks:

Best Picture: “Hugo.” A fantastic story, although 3D wasn’t needed. It’s a movie you can take your kids to.

Actor in a Leading Role: George Clooney in “The Descendants” and Brad Pitt in “Moneyball.” Although we’ve seen these two actors many times, they both gave excellent performances in these two great movies, which were actually about something interesting. However, I did wonder during the movie about Clooney playing a man of Hawaiian descent.

Actress in a Leading Role: Meryl Streep in “The Iron Lady.” Strep gave in outstanding performance in this movie about the controversial political figure, Margaret Thatcher.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Jonah Hill in “Moneyball.” Hill was convincing in the role of an economic whiz who pioneered applying money strategy to baseball. Christopher Plummer in “Beginners” also was nominated, but I thought the movie was disjointed.

Actress in a Supporting Role: Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer, both in “The Help.” This movie about how black maids were treated in the 1960s was top notch.

Cinematography: “Hugo.” “The Tree of Life” also was nominated. I didn’t get its plot. I had to read a summary on Wikipedia to get the main plot points. It’s interesting that Brad Pitt, who I didn’t recognize with his 1950s haircut until a quarter of the way through the movie, and Sean Penn were involved in this abstract offering.

Directing. Alexander Payne for “The Descendants” and Martin Scorsese for “Hugo.” Both super films.

Film Editing. Thelma Schoonmaker for “Hugo.” I didn’t like “The Artist” at all. A silent film today just doesn’t do it for me.

Makeup. Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland for “The Iron Lady.” I thought the makeup artists did a good job making Meryl Strep look like Margaret Thatcher.

Music (Original Score). Alberto Iglesias for “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.” I liked the movie. It was slow in the beginning, which I thought was a more accurate portrayal of what it’s like to be a spy rather than the car chases and explosions so often offered by today’s movies. My friend, who saw the original with Alex Guinness, said it was better. I plan to get it from the library.

Visual Effects. “Hugo.” A period film set in a historical train, the visual effects were stunning.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay). Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin for “Moneyball.” The economics of baseball were vividly presented.

Writing (Original Screenplay). No pick. “Bridesmaids” was a terrible movie. It had jokes about bodily functions, which you see usually in male-oriented movies. About the events in one firm leading up to the stock market crash in 2008, “Margin Call” was a very slow movie. I kept watching it to see something exciting. It didn’t happen. I liked Woody Allen’s “Midnight in Paris.” It’s a cute story about a writer who goes back in time and meets famous authors. However, I don’t think the movie warrants an Academy Award for the best screenplay of the year. Then there’s “The Artist.” How can a silent film win the award for the best written screenplay?

All in all, the movies I saw were a better offering than those in the last few years.

Copyright 2012, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

What do women want for Valentine’s Day?

By Rita R. Robison

This year, the Consumer Electronics Association is saying women want electronics for Valentine’s Day. However, a blog article I read said that said women don’t want electronics – that men buy them for their female loved one because they’ve been nagging them to learn the device and “gifting” the item will get them to use it.

Today, RetailMeNot.com, a coupon site, sent me information on its Valentine’s Day Survey, which found that men don’t seem to be in tune with the wants and desires of their significant other this holiday. The greatest disconnect being men who plan to purchase their partner either candy or a romantic night out on the town. 

The survey showed that 33 percent of men intended to buy their significant other candy, with only 20 percent of women actually wanting this for Valentine’s Day – a 13-point gap. A similar disparity existed for men planning to take their partner out for a romantic night on the town, such as dinner and a movie – 38 percent of men said that they would do it this year, with only 25 percent of women wanting a night out. 

While men are overcompensating with gifts of candy and dinner reservations, they are falling short in terms of buying jewelry. The survey shows 21 percent of women preferred gifts of jewelry, while only 16 percent of male respondents said they intended to purchase jewelry for Valentine’s Day.

On flowers, 32 percent of men intended to purchase flowers for Valentine’s Day for their significant other, while 27 percent of women want flowers.

For cards, 38 percent of men said they intend to buy a Valentine’s Day card, and 36 percent of women said they wanted a card for the holiday.

Not unexpectedly, 12 percent of respondents to the survey reported that they “do not have a significant other” for Valentine’s Day.

I think a discussion about what you want to do and receive on Valentine’s Day makes sense, especially in these tight money times. See my article, “What Does Valentine’s Day Mean to You?” for suggestions on thinking through your Valentine’s Day spending if you’re having financial problems.

The sluggish economy is still a factor in consumer’s gift-giving plans, according to the RetailMeNot survey. Nearly a fourth of consumers said that they don’t intend to spend any money this Valentine’s Day on their significant other, and more than 50 percent intend to spend $100 or less.

Copyright 2012, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

Tips for surviving a less than perfect holiday

By Rita R. Robison

If the holiday season fills you with dread, a book by Teri Johnson, life coach, may offer some help.

Confronting the negative “nevers” of the disappointments in your life is where the healing can start, said Johnson, who has struggled with alcoholism and the destructive habits it brings. Her book is called "Overcoming the Nevers."

“We start to believe lies about ourselves, such as ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m undeserving,’” she said. “We escape our pain and these toxic feelings into unhealthy behaviors and addictions.”

Johnson said there’s hope in falling in love with who we are so that we can experience a joy-filled season and a joy-filled life.

Copyright 2011, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

Have a great Thanksgiving Day

By Rita R. Robison

Best wishes to you and your loved ones on Thanksgiving Day. I wish you great times and good, healthy food.

If you have mixed feelings about the Thanksgiving holiday, Mike Robbins, author and speaker, offers these suggestions:

• Be you.
• Look for the good.
• Make it fun and easy.
• Express your appreciation for others.
• Count your blessings.

Take care.

Copyright 2011, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist

Dealing with difficult family during the holidays

By Beverly Flaxington, Career Coach

Guest Blogger

It doesn’t matter how old we get or how many holidays we celebrate – for some people, family members make our celebration less than enjoyable. Family dynamics that have simmered for years will often rear up at the holidays and join us at the dining table or around the cozy fireplace.

Family issues are particularly hard because of the emotional component associated with them. We have history. We have experience. We have unresolved issues in some cases. So, what’s a person to do in an effort to enjoy the holidays this year?

• Realize you do have a choice. Yes, it’s very hard to be hurt, angry, or otherwise frustrated by a family member. But remember that we always retain the right to our own response and our own reactions. The family member may do what they’ve always done, but you don’t have to respond in the way you always have in return. Choose this year to break the cycle.

• Remember that, “This too shall pass.” The holidays are a point in time. Granted they’re loaded with emotional content, but they’re overall very short-lived. Keep your perspective when the difficult person or people start in with whatever it is that upsets you. Use these four words as your mantra. Soon, it will be the end of December, and it'll all be over and you’ll have another year to prepare.

• Remove yourself from the scene. Sometimes when a family member is particularly hurtful or the bickering becomes unbearable, it’s best to just quietly get up and leave the scene. Walk outside, go into another room, or strike up conversation with another family member. Physically separate yourself from the person who is upsetting to you. 

If you’re able to sing a happy song, remember a fond experience, or focus on something positive while you remove yourself, even better. Try to find ways to give yourself room and bring your attention to something other than the person who’s being difficult for you.

• Separate fact from fiction. Many of us are taught to believe there’s a “perfect” holiday, a “perfect” family, and the “perfect” gifts being given. Know that all families have their own ways of being together and many times it’s not particularly positive. Don’t set yourself up by thinking there’s something wrong with your family because you don’t have a perfect time in each other’s company.
  

Prepare yourself in advance by promising to find something good about everyone you interact with, in spite of their actions. In fact, many family members will act out just to get a reaction from you, so prepare yourself. Be ready to laugh at something that historically made you mad. Or compliment someone who seems undeserving of it. It’s helpful here to remember the temporary part. You can find something good for a short period of time about anybody.

Most of all remember that these are your holidays, too. Choose not to let someone else ruin them for you.

Flaxington is author of “Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets to Human Behavior.”

Copyright 2011, Rita R. Robison, Consumer Specialist