Why are customer service reps using the phrase ‘I’m sorry that you feel that way’ when you have a complaint?

When I’ve had a consumer complaint recently, several times the customer service representative has said to me “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

The “sorry,” but I’m not sorry response it like getting an emotional slap in the face.

One time it happened when I didn’t get information about a credit union fee, and I also mentioned that the customer service at the local branch had really been slipping lately.

In addition, a member of a Facebook group on family safety used it when said I thought his using the term “to be prepared for war” to get people to learn about self-defense was an unfortunate stretch.

What they should say instead about a consumer complaint is “I’m sorry that happened.”

In getting ready to write this article, I thought that maybe the phrase is being used because companies are teaching their employees to say it.

Many conversations with customers are recorded. If the customer service representative says they’re sorry something happened, then the recording could be used as evidence in a lawsuit.

Sure enough. The “I’m sorry that you feel that way” phrase is gaslighting, Vernita Perkins, Ph.D., and Leonard A. Jason, Ph.D., said in an article on the Psychology Today website.

A non-apology is used to deflect, pretend to apologize, and ultimately win the disagreement by placing blame back on the individual, Perkins and Jason said.

“So, when someone raises a concern, letting that concern become infected and dismissed with sorry gaslighting, only exacerbates the issue,” they said. “A better practice is to inquire why the concern exists and to address the disagreement with a focus on finding a meaningful solution.”

I received a better response from employees at Trader Joe’s Monday when I returned some low-quality produce. One said “We'll take care of it” and another said “That's yucky.”

Comments

[azire]

You describe my feelings very well. Agree re: how that kind of response leaves me feeling--glad to hear I'm not the ony person whose response is: and how does your being sorry help solve my problem/constructively respond to my complaint?
. Sometimes I've responded with: how nice that you're sorry, now tell me how your and your employer can stop X from happening again or help me solve Z issues that your employee's action has created for me. It's probably a response I need to write down & keep w/me, because sometimes, if I've already tried to resolve the problem by using the corporation's website w/no success, had to work my way through a horrible voice activated telephone menu, sat on hold while being forced to hear how I should really try using the website, over & over & over again , and/or announcement re: how X is experiencing "greater then normal call volumes" --an experience that's lasted at least 10 years and yet the corporation seems unable to consider an easy solution like hiring and training (better then they do) more people to answer calls, I just want to stop wasting my time and get my problem solved.

Too bad the "tech bros" or gov't regulartory agencies never seem to have to deal w/this end business and/or don't seem to care about "fixing" this problem. Would make many people calmer, feeling slightly less frustrated, and other good feelings.

Sometimes that gets me to a supervisor, sometimes just more stuff from the employee guidebook.

[Rita]

It's surprising how many people told me that they, too, had gotten the "sorry" but not sorry response from companies.

Yes, I agree companies need to do much better to resolve consumer complaints. Sitting for hours on hold on the phone is so frustrating and that's after you have to go through a long list of options to choose to get a person and the right department.